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Fear. 

Defined by Merriam-Webster as "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, anxious concern," is something we have all encountered at one point or another, to varying degrees.

Well for me, my fear, my anxiety, comes from a place I never saw coming. But let's back up a bit.

I always wanted a family. A husband, kids, the dog and the white picket fence. Always. Well as I grew up my mother discouraged me, pushing me towards my education, and telling me that is what I had to put all my energy into. Well, fast-forward to now, and I am a student still, and am waiting for a break to just be me, and do what makes me happy. More on that later.

I've always been an introvert...until I get to know someone, then all bets are off. I can be loud, quirky, and an overall entertaining gal to be around, if I do say so myself. These days, "nice girls" aren't highly sought after, and meeting that special someone is often thought of as some mythical coincidence, something that's one in a million. So, I have remained single, made mistakes in my life I wish I could take back, but know I can't, all my life. They have made me who I am today, and sometimes I am thankful for them, but I often wonder if I have even learned from them.

Well, back to fear. Not the scared of the dark type of fear. But REAL fear. Something I never thought I would experience. Something I never thought would happen to me, because it can never happen to me, right? Wrong.

Through annual exams (and not so safe practices) I have been in overall good health. Not anymore. I went to my regular gynecological appointment, had my Pap Smear done, and expected a normal result, as I had always had. This time was different. I received a call from the office nurse, who said "results weren't good, so he wants to talk to you" but she didn't sound super concerned. Either way, I had never gotten a call, and I was literally a block away from the office, so I went in and asked to be seen. I waited anxiously, and was told that the results were abnormal. The doctor assured me he didn't think it was serious and that he felt it was probably HPV, a common virus in most women. (Still terrifying to me, but that's not the point) He felt that a colposcopy to take a closer look would be the best option and that it would probably come up as HPV or some other bacterial infection. he said the lab report showed that HPV criteria was not met, so they decided not to run an HPV test. But, again, he said it wouldn't be anything serious. I did my research and heard that often some of these strains of HPV actually go away over time, very few strains have been linked to genital warts (ew) but that there are a few strains that can cause cervical cancer.

I went through the in office procedure, which basically entailed vinegar in my girly parts and a small biopsy of "a small area at 11 o'clock" which he assured me was nothing, and probably was just a lesion from HPV. Again, he said it wouldn't be anything serious.

Well, fast forward to today (about a week later) and I get a phone call saying that it is more serious than they thought or expected, that I need to come in tomorrow afternoon and have my available dates ready so that I can schedule yet another procedure, this time, one that can't be done in the office, one that would need to be done in the hospital.

Listen, I love the internet as much as the next person. But when you are waiting to talk to your doctor about "abnormal" results, it's the devil. Everything I have read has NOT been good. I am experiencing genuine FEAR. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least.

I have been reading through some online articles and forum posts from people who have been through similar situations, and unfortunately for me, I am seeing the word "cancer" far more than I would like. I have also read that many of the treatments for localized precancerous cells (which is what I am figuring I have as cervical cancer grows slowly, and this is the first abnormal result) may cause cervical scarring which can make it difficult to conceive later in life. This wasn't a probably for the 40-something year old women who already had families. It's a little more concerning to a 20-something year old woman who still wants a family.

Many of the treatments have no immediate complications, but many of the types of precancerous cells (dysplasia) have a higher rate of recurrence when found in younger women. Reviewing the procedures, and reading through forums, repeated procedures may cause an increase in scarring which can lead to the difficulty with conceiving or even infertility without the use of IVF, and severe recurrence may require a hysterectomy.

None of this research is easing my mind or providing me any comfort. All of this sounds bad. This may actually be one time where my young age has actually worked against me, in that I have more years ahead of me, and thus more potential for recurrence.

It's hard for many people to understand the fear I am encountering, the fear that is now overwhelming me in so many ways. I think this blog will simply be a way for me to express my emotions, my irrational thoughts, and lay the footsteps on my path toward my future.

"Let love guide your journey, and remember - life is not a destination, it's the journey."