Just another day in paradise, right?

Physical exhaustion is really a buzz kill. No matter how much stuff there is to be done, no matter how many hours there are left in the day, no matter how important the things are that need to be done - you're going to be too tired to do them. It almost seems as if normal function ceases all the while, your body is just giving up on your mind. I do what I can to get things done in a timely manner, but some days, you just gotta take a nap.

I know I should probably get things done early, so I don't have to worry about deadlines, but it seems that I am ALWAYS tired these days. I really want to get a jump on things, but my eyelids are so heavy I just can't even play with the dog anymore. That's pretty pathetic consider my dog is pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread.



I will be doing a clinical observation of an emergency department in a week. I am hoping to rub some elbows with some people to hopefully secure a position within the department. I have been putting out job applications for a few months now, only one phone interview by an HR recruiter. I am hoping to finally get a position, and one that I am interested in at that! It's really difficult to get what you want in this economy, but I have my hopes set high and will just have to pray that things will fall into place for me.

I have a vacation planned for December. Only 5.5 weeks until takeoff. I'm excited to be able to get out of town for a while. It will be a much needed break and a little relaxation will be just what my soul needs!



I figured I would update and try and keep things as up-to-date as possible with my chaotic schedule. Pictures from vacation will be coming soon!

Baby fever

Anyone else noticing an increase in the number of people who seem to be getting pregnant? More importantly, these individuals seem to be those who are not financially, emotionally, or mentally ready to care for another human being. It seems incredibly unfair for these individuals to be able to conceive and have children while there are FAMILIES struggling and trying and who are prepared to care for a child. Why are there NUMEROUS girls (yes, girls) who are getting pregnant, can't remember or can't find the boy (yes, boy) who they had sex with, and then saying they are so happy to have their baby and they can't wait to dress it up in cute clothes.

A CHILD is not there so you can dress them in cute clothes. It's mothers like this who raise irresponsible children who turn into irresponsible girls who get pregnant by boys they can't remember and boys who get girls pregnant and drop out of their lives forever.

Why is this such a point lost on society these days?

If you want something to dress up, get a pet. If you're even responsible enough to own a pet. (Preferably a cat because they'll fight back more than a dog, so you'll learn your lesson...just a thought).

Good grief. Selfish people seem to be everywhere these days, and it's discouraging to think where our society is headed with people thinking this way. How many people do you know who truly know what love is, what love is like, and how to love another? The babies being born into the world are being exposed to a world without knowing what love, responsibility, or compassion truly is, and that is a sad thought.

I pray for our youth, and pray that they will learn these things, and break the cycle. Let it end, please, let it end.

To Lasik or not to Lasik - Is that the question?

I have considered Lasik for a while, but haven't known enough people to really ask for personal experiences. Because we all know you can't trust the testimonials provided by the company who is going to take your money and stab you in the eye with lasers and blades.

Well, now they have bladeless Lasik. Which alleviates some of my anxiety. Plus they give you valium, also helps in the anxiety department. 'Cause heavens knows I would flip out at someone trying to pry my eye open without something to take the edge off, just saying. My anxiety is bad enough as it is without someone stabbing me in the eye.

I've talked to people who have had traditional Lasik (the kind with a blade) and have heard the common complaints weeks, months, and years out seem to be light halos at night around lights. Something I currently don't have, and something these individuals had prior to the surgery. I have also heard about severe dry eye. That scares me. 'Cause I know I don't want dry eyes. I already have allergies which make my eyes dry, red, and itchy when I am around dust, so making my eyes any drier sounds absolutely awful.

A lot of Lasik places are now offering free consultations, so perhaps I start doctor shopping for one who just makes sense, and one who accepts my insurance. Mostly because my insurance offers only a discount on the procedure, and I love discounts. (Who doesn't, right?)

I have one week until classes start, and hopefully I can get in this week to see some of these doctors.

Wish me luck!

Diagnosis

Thankfully I received a diagnosis today. Hypothyroidism. Apparently my TSH levels were critically high, and a lot of my other labs were off which is indicative of the diagnosis. Also it may have actually been the reason for my heavy menstrual periods. No one is really quite sure what symptoms are related to my diagnosis, but hopefully with medication, my TSH levels will normalize and I will be able to determine which symptoms are resolved and which ones are not, so that I can move forward with my treatment and progress towards my healthy lifestyle.

I'm not sure why some diagnoses are easier to hear than others, but this one isn't as distressing as some of the earlier things with which I have been diagnosed.

I am preparing for some serious financial ventures - moving, first time home buying, adoption. I can't wait until I start working a full-time job and have a successful professional career, so that I can work towards some of the goals I have set for myself in the next 5 years. But more to come on that later.

C'est la vie.

Looking forward.

Of course I would forget my own password. Go figure.

Alright, update time.

I am supposed to have an appointment with the doctor for a followup in August, but I don't think I will be making an appointment. I don't feel it will be worth it. I have heard from several other physicians that I should be fine based on my age, and the fact that the white patches were removed, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

Also, I have had a nearly 60 pound weight gain in less than 6 months. So I've had some blood work done and will be awaiting the results over the next few days. Hoping this overwhelming decline in my health will have some sort of known cause and be able to be fixed so that I will be able to resume my normal level of functioning - you know, things like walking and not feeling like an extreme asthma attack is going to take my life in that exact moment.

My school work is going well at least, so I don't feel like a complete failure in at least one aspect of my life. Yay?

So, looking forward.

I am looking forward to my own life, my own opinions, my own independence. My mother seems to think her opinion, and only her opinion, matter to the rest of the world. Any deviation or opinions to the contrary are wrong and not welcome here. It's frustrating to think that I will never have a close relationship with her, but I know that my own peace of mind and sanity are worth more than a dysfunctional relationship with her. Looking forward, I have a resilient, strong-willed (and sometimes albeit stubborn) outlook. I know that there are better things on the horizon, but getting there is quite the challenge. Just hoping that maybe, just maybe, my story has a decent ending, one that I am willing to accept, willing to adjust to, and one that I can be happy to live.

Life is not a destination, it's the journey.<3

C'est la vie

That's life.

After a heck of a semester during my Obstetrics course, it's finally coming to a close. This week we have our final exam, a few days of rest and then on to Pediatrics. Should be more interesting but hopefully I will make it thru that course with flying colors. (Something I am struggling to do with OB)

As for my goals to get A's this semester, I feel I am going to be a solid B gal for all 3 of my courses. It's just difficult to keep up with everything and still write eloquent responses and papers that satisfy my course instructors in a way that I can be proud to sign my name to each assignment. My mother's beloved 8 seat dining room table has been overtaken with textbooks, review materials, notes, and miscellaneous other items I deem necessary to be successful (mainly coffee and music) but either way it's not pretty.

I constantly feel I am behind with everything and updating at a time like this may not be in my best interest, but sometimes it's just good to get your feelings out there, and on the table.

Alas, back to my course work.

Ciao.

Results

Ever think that knowing is better than not knowing? Most people would. But sometimes, oh just sometimes, you wish you had never known in the first place.

Precancerous changes that need to be monitored.

That's what I was told. Not much else really. Other than, oh hey, if it gets worse, we'll remove a portion of the cervix, and if it doesn't change at all, then we'll still remove a part of your cervix.
Awesome.

Well, unfortunately for me, I am a poor college student who does not have the finances to follow up with the treatment plans he has offered me.

I looked through numerous resources and talked to a few family friends in the healthcare profession (pharmacists, OB/GYN, nurses, etc) and a lot of the response I got was to change my diet. Um. Okay? Not a lot of research or proof there, and I am not entirely comfortable throwing random roots I have never heard of into my blender and drinking them 8-10 times daily. Just not my personal preference.

Besides, mother dearest is complaining about how much money I spend on food as it is, so realistically, paying for treatment, is not on the top of anyone's to-do list.

So, I will wait until 2014, at which point I probably won't qualify for health insurance due to a "pre-existing condition" and will have to pay out of pocket to see if my cervix will be salvageable. Here's hoping it stays the same and doesn't get worse.

Also, I have been having more tachycardic events. Yay. They basically result in what appears to be a panic attack (shortness of breath, fainting, etc). I am light headed almost persistently now, and have finally leveled off in weight fluctuation. Hopefully that will be addressed at my annual primary provider appointment.

That's sort of all I have for now.
There will be more updates eventually.

"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens, promise me that you'll give faith a fighting change, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, DANCE."
-LeAnn Womack

Let's get started

Fear. 

Defined by Merriam-Webster as "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, anxious concern," is something we have all encountered at one point or another, to varying degrees.

Well for me, my fear, my anxiety, comes from a place I never saw coming. But let's back up a bit.

I always wanted a family. A husband, kids, the dog and the white picket fence. Always. Well as I grew up my mother discouraged me, pushing me towards my education, and telling me that is what I had to put all my energy into. Well, fast-forward to now, and I am a student still, and am waiting for a break to just be me, and do what makes me happy. More on that later.

I've always been an introvert...until I get to know someone, then all bets are off. I can be loud, quirky, and an overall entertaining gal to be around, if I do say so myself. These days, "nice girls" aren't highly sought after, and meeting that special someone is often thought of as some mythical coincidence, something that's one in a million. So, I have remained single, made mistakes in my life I wish I could take back, but know I can't, all my life. They have made me who I am today, and sometimes I am thankful for them, but I often wonder if I have even learned from them.

Well, back to fear. Not the scared of the dark type of fear. But REAL fear. Something I never thought I would experience. Something I never thought would happen to me, because it can never happen to me, right? Wrong.

Through annual exams (and not so safe practices) I have been in overall good health. Not anymore. I went to my regular gynecological appointment, had my Pap Smear done, and expected a normal result, as I had always had. This time was different. I received a call from the office nurse, who said "results weren't good, so he wants to talk to you" but she didn't sound super concerned. Either way, I had never gotten a call, and I was literally a block away from the office, so I went in and asked to be seen. I waited anxiously, and was told that the results were abnormal. The doctor assured me he didn't think it was serious and that he felt it was probably HPV, a common virus in most women. (Still terrifying to me, but that's not the point) He felt that a colposcopy to take a closer look would be the best option and that it would probably come up as HPV or some other bacterial infection. he said the lab report showed that HPV criteria was not met, so they decided not to run an HPV test. But, again, he said it wouldn't be anything serious. I did my research and heard that often some of these strains of HPV actually go away over time, very few strains have been linked to genital warts (ew) but that there are a few strains that can cause cervical cancer.

I went through the in office procedure, which basically entailed vinegar in my girly parts and a small biopsy of "a small area at 11 o'clock" which he assured me was nothing, and probably was just a lesion from HPV. Again, he said it wouldn't be anything serious.

Well, fast forward to today (about a week later) and I get a phone call saying that it is more serious than they thought or expected, that I need to come in tomorrow afternoon and have my available dates ready so that I can schedule yet another procedure, this time, one that can't be done in the office, one that would need to be done in the hospital.

Listen, I love the internet as much as the next person. But when you are waiting to talk to your doctor about "abnormal" results, it's the devil. Everything I have read has NOT been good. I am experiencing genuine FEAR. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least.

I have been reading through some online articles and forum posts from people who have been through similar situations, and unfortunately for me, I am seeing the word "cancer" far more than I would like. I have also read that many of the treatments for localized precancerous cells (which is what I am figuring I have as cervical cancer grows slowly, and this is the first abnormal result) may cause cervical scarring which can make it difficult to conceive later in life. This wasn't a probably for the 40-something year old women who already had families. It's a little more concerning to a 20-something year old woman who still wants a family.

Many of the treatments have no immediate complications, but many of the types of precancerous cells (dysplasia) have a higher rate of recurrence when found in younger women. Reviewing the procedures, and reading through forums, repeated procedures may cause an increase in scarring which can lead to the difficulty with conceiving or even infertility without the use of IVF, and severe recurrence may require a hysterectomy.

None of this research is easing my mind or providing me any comfort. All of this sounds bad. This may actually be one time where my young age has actually worked against me, in that I have more years ahead of me, and thus more potential for recurrence.

It's hard for many people to understand the fear I am encountering, the fear that is now overwhelming me in so many ways. I think this blog will simply be a way for me to express my emotions, my irrational thoughts, and lay the footsteps on my path toward my future.

"Let love guide your journey, and remember - life is not a destination, it's the journey."

Welcome

Welcome, my name is Christina. 

I started a blog, not for the world, but for myself. Almost like a memoir, a reminder to myself of what I have been through, what I am enduring, and what I hope and pray for in my future.

I guess my reasoning is probably different than most however, as I am starting a blog out of fear. Most people use blogs to update people on DIY activities, crafts, or family adventures. This blog, is about my struggles, triumphs, and path in my life.

Happy reading.